The Adventures of Elevator Lance Season 1
by KiethBlackLion
Summary: Lance McCain, pilot of the Red Voltron Lion, lives on the 30th floor of the Castle of Lions. In order to "go to work" every day, he must ride the elevator down to the first floor. These are his adventures on that elevator.
1. S1E1 The Man in Black

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own any of the characters , settings, etc involving Voltron: Defender of the Universe. These stories are for entertainment purposes only and are to be viewed as parodies. _

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**Author's Notes: **This series started out as fun, goofy, fan forum posts but they received such positive praise that I reworked them into the proper story format. Each chapter is considered an "episode", hence the [S1E*] tags. There are 12 "episodes" per "season" and there are a total of 4 "seasons". To make it easier for readers to keep track, I'm posting each "season" as its own story with the corresponding "episodes" as the "season" chapters. Please enjoy the adventures of Elevator Lance and please post reviews. I do take the time to read them and consider the critiques of my readers. Thank you.

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**Adventures of Elevator Lance****:**

**The ****Man in Black**

Lance entered the elevator as usual. It was 7:45am and he was on his way down to the cafeteria where the other Voltron Force members would be waiting for him.

"_I am starving. I hope Hunk doesn't eat all the food before I get there_," Lance thought to himself.

With his quarters located on the 30th floor of the Castle of Lions, the only way to get downstairs on time was to take the elevator. Lance pushed the button for the first floor then moved to the back wall of the elevator. He pulled out the newspaper that he had tucked under his arm and began to read as the elevator moved downward.

Lance looked up from his paper as the elevator stopped on the 21st floor. The doors opened and a tall man, Lance guessed he was about 6ft tall, entered the elevator. The man was wearing a black satin dress, covered in rhinestones. The dress stopped just above his knees, had thin shoulder straps and a plunging neck line that showed off a smooth shaved, sculpted chest. The man wore 3" high heels that matched the dress, fishnet stockings over his shaved legs, and a pearl necklace with matching earrings. The man pressed the button for the 4th floor then moved to the far side of the elevator. He smiled at Lance as the elevator started moving again.

Lance tried to focus on his newspaper but the man in the dress kept drawing his attention.

Lance cleared his throat to get the man's attention. "That's a…lovely dress you have on."

"Why thank you. I bought it from Bloomingdale's," replied the man, his deep voice filling the elevator. "They shipped here all the way from Earth."

"Really" Lance asked in an attempt to be polite.

The man adjusted his elbow length, white gloves. "I got it on sale. The shoes were half price and I got the purse as a free gift"

Lance noticed the black, rhinestone covered purse for the first time. "May I ask what the occasion is?"

"Oh, there's no special occasion. I just like to dress nicely when I go to the office."

"I see," Lance stated. "So what department do you work in?"

"Accounting," the man said.

The elevator chimed as it stopped and the doors opened.

"Well, this is my floor," the man stated. He stepped through the elevator doors and turned back towards Lance. "See you later, fly boy." He sent a wink to Lance before the doors closed.

Lance shivered. "I think I just lost my appetite."


	2. S1E2 The Storm Farters

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**The Storm Farters**

Lance entered the elevator as usual and pressed the button for the first floor. As the elevator began to move, Lance opened his newspaper and began to read. On the front page was a picture of a naked man climbing out of a window. The headline read: **Prince Lotor Caught with Pants Down. **

The elevator came to a stop on the twenty-fifth floor. Lance looked up to see two midgets dressed as stormtroopers enter the elevator and push the button for the third floor.

Lance couldn't help but grin. "Aren't you two a little short for stormtroopers?"

The first midget turned his head towards Lance. "That's original." As his head turned back towards the elevator doors, he muttered "jackass."

"We just came from a bachelor party and we're a little tired," said the second midget.

"What does a bachelor party have to do with dressing like stormtroopers?" Lance asked.

"What business is it of yours?" replied the first midget.

"Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation," Lance said in his defense.

"It's alright," said the second midget. "The groom-to-be has a star wars fetish. We were paid a lot of money to come in dressed like this."

Lance's interest was peaked. "Was the party any good?"

"No!" stated the first midget harshly. He once again turned to face Lance. "The party was for a Hispanic man and neither of us can speak Spanish. The only food they had was tacos and burritos and there were live chickens everywhere. The room smelled like a barnyard. I'm going to be picking chicken feathers out of my rear end for a week."

"I think you can add a bad case of gas to that list of complaints," said the second midget as he placed his hands on his stomach.

The first midget tilted his head quizzically. "But I don't have gas…"

"No…but I do," the second midget stated.

Lance scooted as far away from the two midgets as he could and held his breath.

The second midget farted so hard and so loud that the elevator swayed slightly. "Excuse me," he said.

Lance held his breath and long as he could but he finally caved in to his aching lungs. He attempt to breath through his mouth and not his nose failed and he got a good whiff of the air. Lance dry heaved and turned green from the stench.

"Sorry about that," the second midget said after seeing Lance's reaction.

The elevator stopped on the third floor and the two midgets exited, leaving Lance alone. After what felt like an eternity, the elevator made it down to the first floor. Lance didn't wait for the doors to fully open before he bolted out. Upon entering the hallway he inhaled deeply.

Princess Allura, who had been waiting for Lance, sniffed the air and covered her nose. "Ewwww….what happened Lance? Did you forget to take a bath this morning?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, Allura."


	3. S1E3 The KBL'ers

**Author's Notes: **This episode was a jab at myself and some of my fans on the forum where this was originally posted. By no means am I so conceded that I felt the need to praise my own writing skills. Please do not take what the characters say in support of me (as a writer) seriously, it is meant as a joke and spoof.

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**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**The KBL'ers**

As with every morning, Lance got on the elevator to go to work. Lance only managed to go down three floors before the elevator made its first stop. The doors opened and three very beautiful young women got on the elevator. The first was a blonde, the second was a red head and the third was a brunette. Each woman held a sign and was very bubbly and energetic.

"So what are the signs for?" Lance asked as he moved a bit closer to the ladies.

Kristie was the first to respond. "They are for our KBL Fan Club rally downstairs."

"What rally?" Lance asked.

Brittany took the initiative and answered Lance's second question. "Our KBL Fan Club rally."

"What's a KBL?"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "You know, KiethBlackLion, the writer. We call him KBL for short."

"Wait…that guy has a fan club?" The look of disbelief on Lance's face was indescribable.

"Is there a problem with that?" Loni asked as she put her hands on her hips.

"I've read his work but I don't think its worth having a fan club," Lance confessed.

All three girls inhaled deeply out of shock.

"How can you say that?" Kristie asked. "He single handedly revolutionized the entire Voltron parody world."

"He is the master of Voltron parody," Brittany added.

"He is the King of Voltron Parody," Loni shouted.

Lance wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to disagree with the three misguided women but at the same time, he also wanted to remain in one piece.

"I just read his Lionballs spoof. You can't get much greater than that," Brittany proclaimed.

"I simply can't get enough of his Lionballs," Kristie immediately added.

"I've read better," Lance said with a shrug.

"He is such a wonderful writer," Brittany said with a heartfelt sigh.

"He's so dreamy." Loni's eyes had become glassy with admiration.

"I just don't get the elevator bits," Lance interrupted. "They seem rather pointless to me."

"That's because you have no sense of humor," Kristie pointed out.

Brittany felt the need to back up her friend. "You don't have the intellect to understand his jokes."

"You're such a dork," was all Loni felt she needed to add.

The elevator stopped on the first floor and the doors opened. The hall was filled with yells and screams as hundreds upon hundreds of anxious fangirls awaited their beloved parody writer. Kristie, Brittany, and Loni held up their signs and joined the crowed. Chants of "KBL for President" and "Lionballs Forever" traveled down the halls of the castle. Lance eased his way out of the elevator and stared at the crowd. He saw signs that read "**More Lionballs Please**" and "**KBL Rules**". Lance even noticed one misguided person with a sign that read "**I Like Ike**". Shaking his head, Lance turned towards the direction of the cafeteria to meet up with the rest of the team.


	4. S1E4 The Elephant Man

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**The Elephant Man**

Lance got on the elevator at his normal time. He pushed the button for the first floor and leaned against the back wall. He felt tired, despite getting a hot shower and a cup of coffee first thing this morning. The elevator stopped after only traveling two floors and Lance gave a heavy sigh. He certainly wasn't in the mood for any funny business today.

The doors opened and a man dressed in a business suit stepped onto the elevator. He pressed the button for the first floor, even though it was already lit, and stood back against the wall next to Lance.

The man looked over as though he had just noticed that Lance standing there. "Say, aren't you one of the pilots from the Voltron Force?"

With his eyes closed, Lanced nodded.

"So, which pilot are you?" the man asked as he moved right next to Lance.

Lance cringed has he got a whiff of the guy's bad breath and almost puked up his coffee. "I'm Lance," he said as slid along the wall away from the guy. "I'm the pilot of Red Lion."

"Oh ok," the man said. "So, do you like the color red?"

"Of course, I do." Lance was still trying to move out of range of the guy's bad breath, but every time he moved so would the guy.

"That's good," the man stated. "Most guys like the color red. I think it has to do with some sort of connection with power. You know, red is the color of blood. Blood is what triggers a man's penis during sexual intercourse. The penis has been used as a symbol of power throughout history."

Lance just stared at the guy like he was an idiot. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've never heard of that?" the man asked.

"No, I haven't. Now please, I'm very tired and I have a long day ahead of me."

"Yes, I'm sure that being the pilot of a robot lion is very stressful. You guys certainly look like you know what you're doing," the man rambled.

"Look pal," Lance began as he started to move towards the guy; that was until his bad breath pushed him back once again.

"Let's hope that Zarkon doesn't run out of those ugly monsters of his."

Lance gave the guy a quizzical look. "Why?"

"I'm sure that there aren't a lot of things that a pilot is trained to do outside of a cockpit."

" There are a lot of things that I and the rest of the Voltron Force can do other than fly," Lance said in defense.

"I'm sure. Tell me something, about the blazing sword…"

Lance rubbed his temples. "What about it?"

"Well, given the name of the sword, are the guys of the Voltron Force trying to compensate for something? I know a lot of guys buy big cars and houses for that very same reason."

Lance, who was unable to tolerate the guy's stupidity any longer, cracked his knuckles and punched him square in the jaw. The guy dropped to the floor with a thud, hitting his head against the wall on the way down. The elevator chimed and the doors opened. Lance stepped out of the elevator and headed to the cafeteria. The doors of the elevator closed, the man lying on the floor, out cold.


	5. S1E5 Dr Ruth

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Elevator Surprise**

Lance was exhausted. It had been a long day and he was beat. Keith had everyone run through intensive training exercises and to make matters worse, Lotor sent two robeasts to Arus. After the rough day, Lance was just looking forward to a hot shower and going to bed. Lance dragged himself down the hall to the elevator. He summoned what little strength he had left to raise his arm and push the call button. He waited impatiently for the elevator. As the elevator car finally arrived, Lance could hear voices coming from inside.

The elevator doors opened and there was Allura talking with Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

"Now Allura, you must over come your fear of the male genitals," the little lady said. "You must learn to love them just as you love the rest of him."

Allura noticed Lance standing there and blushed. "Lance!"

"You know, I think I'll take the stairs."

The elevator doors closed and Lance walked over to the stairwell and began the long thirty story climb.


	6. S1E6 Larry, Darrell and Darrell

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Larry, Darrell and Darrell**

Lance leaned against the back wall of the elevator. The doors had closed and the elevator hadn't moved but two floors before it stopped. Lance sighed heavily.

"_Here we go again_…" he thought to himself.

The doors opened and in stepped three men dressed as though they lived in the deepest parts of the woods. Their hair was uncombed and their clothes were tattered in some places and patched in others. They had the slight smell of dirt and looked as though they hadn't had a bath in almost a year. The first man who entered pushed the button for the first floor. The doors closed and the elevator began to move again.

The first man turned to Lance and said, "Hi. I'm Larry; this is my brother Darrell and my other brother Darrell."

"How do you do?" Lance asked politely.

"We're doing just fine," Larry replied. "Thank you for asking."

Darrell and Darrell just nodded.

Lance noticed that Darrell and Darrell were just staring at him. "Uh…are your brothers going to say anything or are they just going to stand there?"

"Darrell and Darrell don't talk," Larry stated.

"How come?" Lance asked.

"I'm not quite sure," Larry said. "I asked them once, but they never gave me an answer."

"I see." Lance rolled his eyes. "So, is there something that I can help you with?"

"As a matter of fact, there is. You see, the three of us are big fans of Voltron."

"Really? Do you watch us on tv at home?" Lance inquired.

"Oh no. We don't get television where we live," Larry informed Lance. "We go over to Darrell's girlfriend's house to watch."

"Darrell has a girlfriend?" Lance was found this hard to believe.

"Sort of. She doesn't let Darrell into the house. Mainly due to the restraining order she has against him."

"A restraining order?"

"Yeah…after she had found out that Darrell had been living there for two months without her permission, she hired a lawyer. It truly broke his heart," Larry said with a comforting look towards his brother.

Darrel just hung his head.

The second Darrell patted the first Darrell's back.

Lance was sure he would regret his next question but he asked it anyway. "So…if she doesn't let you into the house, how do you watch tv?"

Larry was quick to answer. "Darrell set up a tree stand that has a perfect view into her bedroom. With a pair of binoculars, we can watch the tv as though we were right in front of it."

"_Yep, I knew I would regret it_," Lance thought to himself. "_I had to ask_." Lance shook his head and looked at Larry. "Well, you said there was something I could do for you….what is it?"

Larry pulled out a picture of the Voltron Force and a pen. "I would like your autograph."

"That's easy enough." Lance took the photo and the pen from Larry and signed it. "There you go," he said as he handed the items back to Larry.

"Thank you, very much," Larry said with a big grin.

"Is there anything else?"

Larry looked at Darrel then back at Lance. "Darrell would like his picture taken with Princess Allura. He thinks he could use it to make his girlfriend jealous and take him back."

"Uh…ok…I might be able to arrange that," Lance said hesitantly.

Darrell smiled and nodded happily.

"Anything else?" Lance inquired.

"Darrell would like to know if you can introduce him to Princess Allura's Nanny."

"Nanny?," Lance asked. "I hope you don't mind my asking but….why?"

"Darrell has plans to ask for her hand in marriage."

The second Darrell nodded with a big grin on his face as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a 2 karat diamond ring.

Lance practically hit the floor from the unexpected answer and the shiny ring. "Wow! Where did you get a ring like that?"

"Darrell sold his entire collection of SpaceBoy Magazine on eBay. Every issue produced over the last 20 years. It was difficult for him to part with them but he believes it will be worth the sacrifice."

Lance made a mental note to ask Pidge about the magazine collection he had bragged about purchasing the other day. "Guys, I can't promise anything but…I will see what I can do."

The second Darrell put the ring away then reached out and shook Lance's hand.

"You're welcome," Lance said as he pulled his hand away and wiped it on his pants leg.

The elevator chimed and the doors opened.

"This is my floor," Lance stated. "I gotta go now."

"It was a pleasure meeting you," Larry said as they all exited the elevator.

"Like wise." Lance made a hasty retreat down the hallway in order to warn Allura and Nanny.

"He's a lot nicer than he appears on tv," Larry commented.

Darrell and Darrell both nodded.

"Come on, we better get cleaned up before we meet the Princess and her Nanny. We need to make a good first impression," Larry instructed.

The three walked down one of the hallways in search of a restroom so they could wash up.


	7. S1E7 Annoying Company

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Annoying Company**

Lance whistled happily as he walked to the elevator. He pressed the call button and waited for the elevator to arrive.

"Good morning, Lance," said Tamara, one of the castle maids.

"Good morning, Tamara," Lance replied with a smile. He turned his head and watched her as she sashayed past him.

She looked back at him and winked before she continuing down the hall.

Lance turned back towards the elevator. He was having a great morning. He had a great night's sleep, he had a great breakfast, he had a great B.M.…

"Nothing could ruin this day," Lance said aloud.

The chime rang and the elevator doors opened. Much to his surprise there was a geeky looking young man sitting behind a desk in the elevator. There was a name plate that read "Richard" sitting atop his desk. Richard greeted Lance with a huge, goofy grin.

Reluctantly, Lance got onto the elevator and pushed the button for the first floor. The doors closed and the elevator began to move.

" It's Lance. The Lance-Man. The Lancenator. Going to the first floor."

"That's right. Just heading to work," Lance replied.

"Sir Lancelot, heading to work," Richard continued. "Lancenstein, going to beat the bad guys."

" Yeah…something like that."

"Lancey, Red Lion Lance, the Lance-o-rama…"

Lance was beyond annoyed now. "Ok…we are aware that my name is Lance. Now, would you please stop."

Richard didn't stop. "Heading to work…it's bad ass Lance."

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to kick your ass," Lance threatened.

Richard just stared at Lance with his goofy grin. "I've got Lance…in my pants. Lancefina, on the elevator with the Richmeister."

" That's it." Lance pulled out his blaster and pressed the end of the barrel against Richard's forehead.

Richard didn't react, other than continuing his annoying mantra. "Lance, taking out his pis-tol, aiming it at Rich-ard. Like Dirty Har-ry."

A young woman walked up to the elevator door on the first floor. She pressed the button and waited calmly for the elevator to arrive. As the chime rang she heared the sound of blaster fire. The doors opened and Lance stepped out, placing his blaster back into its holster. The young woman peaked into the elevator and saw Richard slumped over his desk. She screamed and then fainted, landing hard onto the floor. Lance walked calmly to the castle control room, whistling happily.


	8. S1E8 The Lonely Poodle

**Adventures of Elevator Lance****:**

**The Lonely Poodle**

Lance was having a rough morning. His alarm clock lost power at some point in the night causing him to over sleep. His shower ran out of hot water, his coffee pot exploded and he discovered a gigantic zit in the center of his forehead. As Lance stood before the elevator doors, he wondered what other things would go wrong today.

There was a chime and the elevator doors opened. Lying in the middle of the elevator was an adorable, but depressed looking, French poodle. It looked up when Lance entered the elevator, its big brown eyes locking onto Lance's.

" Hello there." Lance knelt down and patted the poodle's head. "Did someone just leave you here?"

The poodle perked up as Lance rubbed its head.

Lance moved to the back wall as the elevator went down. The poodle squatted down in front of him, raising its front paws off the floor and begging for attention. Sighing heavily, Lance leaned down and petted the dog again.

Lance finished petting the lonely poodle and turned his attention to the numbers counting down the floors. Lance's focus was soon broken by a slight tug on his pants. He looked down to see the poodle acquainting itself with his leg.

" Stop that! Bad dog!"

Lance reached down and pried the dog off his leg. He tossed the poodle to the other side of the elevator and proceeded to clean off his pants with his hand.

"Crazy dog," Lance muttered.

The poodle stood up and shook its head. The dog eyed Lance. Suddenly it charged at him, wrapping its paws around Lance's leg and proceeding to make love to it.

Lance tried to pull the dog off but it wouldn't let go. Lance shook his leg but the poodle held on tight. It's tongue dangling out of its mouth.

"Get off me you, stupid dog!"

Lance kicked towards the wall, slamming the poodle into it, but the poodle refused to give up its mate. Lance pressed the button for the fifth floor. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Lance kicked hard and the poodle lost its grip. The dog went flying, landing on its butt and sliding down the newly waxed hallway.

Lance stood in the doorway of the elevator panting. The poodle stood and turned towards Lance, running as hard and as fast as it could. Lance backed up, letting the doors close and hit the button for the first floor. The poodle, unable to stop, slammed head first into the elevator door, leaving an indention. Lance gave a sigh of relief when the elevator began to move again.

As the elevator went down, the poodle stood and leaned against the wall. It pulled out a cigarette, lit it, then took a hard puff.

The poodle looked towards the reader and in a heavy, male, French accent said "was it good for you?"


	9. S1E9 The Press Conference

**Adventures of Elevator Lance****:**

**Press Conference**

Lance poked his head around the corner. Directly ahead of him was the elevator. He surveyed the hallway. There was no one. There was no sound. All was dead quiet. Lance inhaled then took off in a sprint towards the elevator. Three-quarters across the hall, Lance went into a dive. He shoulder-rolled and then stood up inches from the elevator. Lance pressed his back against the wall. He scanned the area once again. There was still no movement. Lance reached over and pushed the call button for the elevator. He remained pressed against the wall, daring not to move.

The chime rang and the elevator doors opened. Lance peeked into the elevator. There was no one. There were no midgets dressed as stormtroopers, no obsessed fangirls, no lonely French poodle. Just an empty box. Reluctantly, Lance entered the elevator and pressed the button for the first floor.

The elevator began to move and Lance held his breath.

"_So far, so good_," he thought.

He watched the numbers count down, anticipating that the elevator would stop on the next floor. As the elevator reached the 20th floor, the lights flickered, but the car kept moving. Lance looked up at the ceiling, saying a silent prayer.

Three floors later, the lights flickered again. As the elevator passed the tenth floor, the elevator shook, the lights went out and the elevator stopped. Lance cursed. Just as quickly and as mysteriously as they turned off, the lights came back on and the elevator began moving again.

The elevator reached the first floor and the doors opened. Lance poked his head out and saw…nothing. Just an empty lobby. There were no fan rallies, no men dressed in evening attire, no hillbillies looking for a date for Friday night. Cautiously, Lance exited the elevator. He stayed close to the walls as he made his way to Castle Control.

Lance entered the control room. Nothing had happened to him. Lance smiled. He walked over to one of the chairs and sat down.

"Good morning, Lance," said Commander Keith.

"Good morning, Keith," Lance replied.

"You seem awfully cheery today," Allura remarked.

Lance grinned. "Yep. I think this is going to be a good day."

Pidge turned in his chair towards the three chatty pilots. "Shhhhh….we're trying to watch the news."

Pidge and Hunk were seated in front of one of the monitors attached to the wall.

"What are you watching?" Lance inquired.

Prince Lotor is holding a press conference," Hunk informed him.

" Turn it up, Pidge," Allura instructed.

Prince Lotor walked into frame, stepping behind a podium. After clearing his throat, he began to speak.

"As many of you know, rumors of illegal dealings, such as money laundering, bribes, tax evasion, moon shining, armed robbery, fraud, obstruction of justice, sexual harassment, stalking and indecent exposure, have plagued my administration here on Planet Doom. I have called this press conference because I just want to make one thing perfectly clear." Lotor paused briefly to raise his hands up in the 'victory' salute. "I am not a crook."

As Lotor's held his hands above his head, a pocket watch fell from his right palm and dangled from his hand.

"HEY! That's my grandfather's old pocket watch!"


	10. S1E10 Elevator!

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Elevator!**

The elevator was unusually crowded this morning, forcing Lance to squeez into the small space.

As he found his place among the crowd, Lance asked the man standing beside the buttons to push "one".

A man dressed as a bell hop pushed the button for the first floor and the elevator began to move. A stewardess pushed a cart over to Lance.

"Would you like a beverage?, the stewardess asked.

"Yes. What do you have?" Lance asked.

"Well, I have a Ford Tempo, a house, these shoes, a wonderful husband, and two kids but that's not important right now. What would you like to drink?" the woman answered.

Lance thought for a moment, "a Pepsi will be fine."

The stewardess handed Lance a Pepsi and moved on to the next passenger.

Lance popped open the can of Pepsi but the drink spewed all over his face. Lance merely sighed with defeat.

Several minutes later the elevator jerked and came to a stop. Everyone looked towards the elevator operator, who was now lying on the floor.

The stewardess went to check on him. She knelt down beside the operator and checked for a pulse.

"Is he alright?, asked a little old lady with a poodle.

"He's in a coma," the stewardess stated. "We have to get him to a hospital."

"What is it?" asked the poodle lady.

"It's a building with doctors that take care of sick people. But that's not important right now." The stewardess stood up and opened a panel at the elevator controls. She then pulled out what looked like an old telephone handset. "Mayday mayday, this is Elevator #209. We need emergency assistance."

Meanwhile, in Castle Control, all the other members of the Voltron Force had gathered around the main command console.

" I picked the wrong week to quit drinking," Coran said as he pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and chugged it.

Keith picked up a nearby handset and responded to the stewardess. "We read you loud and clear, over."

Lt. Oveur, who was sitting at a command console, turned his chair towards Keith. "Yes?"

The stewardess smiled when she heard Keith's voice. "Yes…we need help. The elevator is stuck and our operator has gone into a coma, over."

"Those people are in a dire situation," Keith said to no one in particular.

"What is it?" Allura asked.

"An extremely dangerous or hopeless situation, but that's not important right now. The important thing is to get these people some help," Keith stated.

"I picked the wrong week to quit smoking," Coran said as he lit up a cigarette and started puffing away.

Keith took a deep breath and then addressed the room. "Alright everyone, if we're going to get these people down I'm going to need a few things. First, I need the schematics for that elevator. Secondly, I'm going to need the latest weather report. Lastly, I need a decent cup of coffee. Who made this stuff?" he said as he poured the coffee out onto the control console, which erupted into sparks. "And get an electrician in here. This thing needs to be fixed."

Hunk, Pidge, and Allura split off to get Keith everything that he needed.

"I picked the wrong day to quit snorting coke," Coran said as placed a straw in his nose.

A few minutes later, Allura, Pidge and Hunk returned.

"Here are the schematics." Pidge handed Keith the schematics and watched him unfold them onto the control panel.

"Here's the weather report," Allura said.

"What is it?" Keith asked.

"Oh, it's a piece of paper telling you what weather we have now and what weather we are suppose to have in the upcoming days. But that's not important right now," she said. "The report states that we are suppose to have clear skies until tonight. We will have temperatures in the low 20's tomorrow, with a 85% chance of snow."

"Ok. Now where's my coffee?" Keith asked.

"Right here, chief." Hunk handed Keith his coffee.

"Thanks, and don't call me chief." Keith took the coffee from Hunk, took a sip and immediately spat it out. "Hot, too hot." Keith looked down at the schematics, now covered with coffee stains. "What is that?" he said as he pointed to a coffee stain.

Pidge looked at what Keith was pointing at. "That's a coffee stain, sir."

"And what is this?"

Pidge looked again. "That would be the state of Rhode Island."

"Oh." Keith sipped his scolding hot coffee. "Coran!"

Coran was leaning backwards in his chair, as it slowly spun around. His face was covered in a white powder. "Wheeee!"

"That man needs a doctor," Keith stated.

"What is it?" Hunk asked.

"A doctor is someone who treats sick people. But that's not important right now." Keith grabbed the handset again and spoke into it. "Hello? Can anyone hear me?"

"Yes, I can hear you," the stewardess answered.

Keith let out a small sight of relief. "Good. Now, I want you to see if there is anyone up there who can operate an elevator."

"Ok," the stewardess replied. She covered the handset with her hand then turned towards the passengers. "Is there anyone here who can operator an elevator?"

Lance spoke up. "I operated an elevator during the war. But that elevator only went to the fifth floor. This one goes to the 30th. There are many more buttons. I can't do it."

"Oh please, you have to help us," the stewardess begged.

"Ok. I'll try." Lance walked over to the control panel and took the handset from the stewardess. "Hello?

"Lance, this is Keith. Can you read me, over?"

Lt. Oveur turned in his seat. "What?"

"I read you," Lance answered.

"Ok Lance. I'm going to talk you down, ok?"

"I can't do this, Keith."

"Yes you can. I just want you to listen to me and do as I say."

Lance took a deep breath. "Ok."

Keith pulled the handset away, thinking that nothing he said would transmit through.  
"This man can't do it. He has no nerves. He's a loose cannon. He'll get them all killed."

Lance could hear every word that Keith said. A look of sadness came over him.

Keith pulled the handset back up to his face. "Now Lance, very slowly, I want you to push the button for the first floor."

"I picked the wrong day to give up sniffing glue," Coran said, his speech slurred. He took out a tube of Krazy Glue and started sniffing it."

"Ok," Lance said to Keith. Very…very….very….very….very…very slowly, Lance pushed the button. "Done."

Suddenly, the elevator started moving back down. Everyone in the elevator and in Castle Control starts hollering and celebrating.

Coran was tripping so badly that he started humping any and all furniture that he could find.

"Great job, Lance. Great job." Keith reassured him. "We'll see you on the ground floor."

Lance slumped down to the floor, the sweat poured off his forehead, but he was pleased that the ordeal is now over.


	11. S1E11 The Three Kids

**Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Lance and ****the Three Little Kids**

Lance was looking forward to going to work. His vacation would start in two days and he was already packed. All he had to do was make it through today and tomorrow and he would be on his way back to Earth to spend two weeks in the sunny Caribbean. His mind filled with images of beautiful sunsets, cold tropical drinks and warm tropical women.

The elevator's arrival awoke Lance from his day dream. The doors opened and Lance saw 3 children in the elevator car, one girl and two boys. The girl looked to be about 8 years old. The older of the two boys looked to be about 5 years old and the youngest child looked to be about 2 years old. Lance pushed the button for the first floor and turned to address the young girl.

"Why are you three here by yourselves?" he asked.

"Why are you on the elevator?," the young girl, who was named Kathy, asked in response.

"Because I am going to work," Lance replied.

"Where do you work?" she asked.

"I'm the pilot of Red Lion," Lance told her.

Jason, the older of the two boys, suddenly let out a burp that rocked the elevator car.

"Jason, that's gross," Kathy said as she punched Jason in the arm.

Jason rubbed his arm. "Ouch."

Michael, the youngest child, walked over to Lance and wiped his nose on Lance's pants.

Lance looked down at Michael. "Oh that's gross… and I thought that poodle was bad."

"Do you like Red Lion?" Kathy continued.

Lance searched his pockets for a napkin to clean off his pants leg. "Yes I do."

Jason's face suddenly contorted, followed by a fart that was so intense that his pants fell half way down his butt.

Lance, who was busy wiping the snot off his pants, covered his mouth to keep from gagging.

"Jason," Kathy called. "I can see the crack of dawn. Pull your pants up."

Jason listened to his sister and pulled his pants up. He then walked over to the control panel and started pushing all of the elevator buttons.  
"No…don't….don't do that!" Lance said trying to stop Jason. Just as he moved towards the boy he felt another tug on his pants.

Michael had walked around Lance and had wiped his nose on Lance's other leg.

"Come on, kid…stop wiping your nose on me," Lance told him. "And you," he said to Jason, "stop pushing all the buttons."

"Why should he stop?" Kathy asked.

"Because he might break something," Lance said as he wiped his second leg clean.

Another fart erupted from Jason's backside.

Michael laughed at Jason and decided to join in the fun. He let out his own fart, which resulted in him soiling his diaper.

Kathy crinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"

Lance took a whiff. "It smells like…"

"Stinky," Michael said with a grin.

Lance started gagging and dry heaving.

"Michael, why did you do that?" Kathy asked as she held her nose to keep from smelling the nasty odor.

To the thankfulness of everyone on the elevator, the car finally reached the bottom floor and the doors opened. In the middle of the door way stood Nanny, with her hands on her hips.

"There you twee are," she said in her thick accent. "You've been berry bad. You vill be punished."

Upon seeing Nanny, Kathy tried to come up with a cover story. "But Nanny…Mister Lance told us we could…"

"Hush!"

Kathy immediately stopped talking.

Nanny walked over and picked Michael up and threw him over her shoulder. Then she grabbed Jason's hand and pulled him out of the elevator. Kathy followed Nanny down the hall with the other two kids.

With Nanny no longer blocking the doors to the elevator, Lance rushed out to get some fresh air. "Ok…maybe these last two days won't be as easy as I thought."


	12. S1E12 The Final Adventure

**Adventures of Elevator Lance****:**

**The Final Adventure**

Keith got on the elevator on the 27th floor. He wasn't surprised to find that Allura, Pidge and Hunk were already on the elevator.

"Morning, everyone," Keith said with a smile.

Allura smiled back at him. "Morning, Keith." There was a slight hint of flirtiness in her words.

"Morning, chief," Hunk and Pidge said in unison.

The doors closed and Keith took his place next to Allura as the elevator started moving again.

"So, do you think Lance is enjoying his vacation?" Pidge asked.

Hunk grinned. "I'm sure he's having a ball."

"I hope he stays out of trouble," Keith remarked.

Allura was much more positive in her thinking. "I'm sure he's sitting on the beach in one of those flimsy beach chairs, drinking some half frozen alcoholic beverage and watching the sun go down."

Allura looked up to the ceiling as she imagined the picturesque scene:

_Lance sighed happily as he took another sip of his Bahama Mama, the sun beginning to set._

A very busty waitress wearing a very skimpy bikini walked up to Lance. "Excuse me, sir. Do you require anything else?"

Lance looked towards the reader, raised his sunglasses and grinned.

"Nah…that's not what he's doing," Hunk interrupted.

"If you're so smart, you tell us what he is doing," Pidge challenged.

"Fine, I will. He's probably working as a bartender at some bar right on the beach where he is flirting with all the beautiful women."

Thus begins Hunk's dream sequence:

_Lance was standing behind a bar, mixing six drinks at one time with a flock of women sitting at the bar admiring him._

One busty blonde was entranced by Lance's skills at mixing drinks. "Wow! You're incredible."

"I'm good at a lot of things," he said with a smirk and started handing out drinks.

"Just what else are you good at?" asked a busty red head as she seductively drank her drink through a straw.

"Play your cards right, and you may just find out later." Lance winked at the girl and then winked at the reader.

"Oh come on, Hunk. That's way to tame for Lance," Pidge stated.

Hunk looked at his little buddy, "and just what do you think he's doing?"

"I'll will. He's hosting a wet t-shirt contest for Girls Gone Wild."

Pidge's dream sequence was the next to start:

_The sun had gone down and lights flooded the stage as Lance stepped onto the platform._

Lance yelled out at the audience. "Are you ready for some fun?"

The audience cheered loudly.

"Then let's bring out the ladies!"

Several beautiful and busty women bounced onto the stage wearing only white t-shirts and skimpy shorts.

Lance turned to the audience. "I don't know about you guys, but these girls look a little parched. What do you say we give them some water to help cool them down?"

The audience cheered even louder.

Lance walked behind each girl and poured a bottle of water onto their heads and the front of their shirts.

The audience went wild with cheers.

Lance turned to the reader. "I love this job."

Allura put her hands on her hips and looked at Pidge. "Just how do you know what goes on during a wet t-shirt contest?"

Pidge's face turned red. "Uh..well, you see….Keith! What do you think Lance is doing?"

"My guess is that he's probably gotten himself arrested," Keith said calmly.

The elevator came to a stop on the first floor and the four Voltron members headed to Castle Control. As they entered, Coran informed them of an urgent message.

"Where's the message coming from?" Keith asked.

"It's coming from Earth," Coran informed in.

"Maybe its Lance," Pidge piped in.

"Yeah. Then we can ask him what he's been doing," Hunk said.

Allura moved next to Keith. "Patch the message through immediately, Coran."

Coran pushed some buttons and the main view screen flickered to life. On the huge screen is an image of Lance sitting next to a police officer and wearing handcuffs.

"Hey guys, could one of you wire me some bail money?"

Allura, Hunk and Pidge exchanged looks and then they all looked at Keith.

Keith looked at his three teammates and shrugged. "Call it a hunch."


End file.
